Why Batman Sucks.

I like superhero films and I used to read comic books when I was younger. I read X-Men and Spiderman mostly, and I've been known to delve into manga, too. I saw Avengers Assemble the other day and it was so great; the director perfectly balances the characters and their screen time, allowing them all to shine and remain utterly likeable throughout. An old friend and I were out walking and the discussion turned to the film; then, inevitably to superheroes in general. It was during this discussion that, for the first time, I really mobilised and voiced the issues I've always had with one of the world's most famous and renowned superheroes: Batman.

I'd like to first make it clear that I think The Dark Knight is a great film. It's well written, well put together and very clever, with great acting for the most part, a good cast and of course, the late Heath Ledger as a terrifyingly convincing Joker. However, there is one factor that I simply cannot overlook that prevents me from ranking this film amongst my favourites and it's Batman himself.
Let me break this down into a few sections:

1. Lack of real powers & dubious credibility of non-superhuman abilities

Basically, Batman's powers are that he's rich and angry. That's it. He's vengeful for the death of his parents and he has enough money to make a load of gadgets. His powers are basically the same as Iron Man's, except that Iron Man has used his money to create something that genuinely makes him powerful. There's no way Batman could, realistically, stand up to the super villains he's pitted against with the meagre assortment of toys and skills he has available to him. He's just a man in a stupid looking suit and the suit doesn't even make him any stronger; Iron Man's suit protects him from harm and makes him stronger:

"Iron Man possesses powered armor that gives him superhuman strength and durability, flight, and an array of weapons" - Wiki

In comparison:

"Batman's costume incorporates the imagery of a bat in order to frighten criminals." - Wiki

Okay, so even if the criminals of Gotham City were daft enough to be deeply afraid of some nutter in a weird mask, that doesn't explain why he seems to be able to take on dozens upon dozens of such criminals with ease, and be impervious to most damage with no actual real superpowers. It's just not believable.

2. Absurdity of costume & voice

Okay, this is more of a gripe with the films than the comics; he's got pointy ears. The films try to represent Batman as a dark, serious crusader in the real world. In the REAL world. In the context of reality, as opposed to the fictional world of the comics where disbelief can be suspended, Batman's costume is RIDICULOUS. His shoulder/head armour means he can't even turn his neck and has to turn using his shoulders, as if he's in a neck brace. Without going into the practical combat problems presented by being unable to turn one's neck, it's very hard to take someone seriously as a skilled and agile fighter when they move as if they've been in an unfortunate gymnastics accident. Batman's appearance shatters the edgy and sinister presentation of the films; the best scenes are the ones he isn't in, for that reason.

I also have serious issues with the fact that Bruce Wayne has a pretty normal, almost tenorish tone to his voice when he speaks and Batman sounds like a middle-aged chain smoking motorbiker.

3. Inappropriateness and misleading nature of name

Bat - man. Man of bat. Authority when it comes to all things bat. So batlike in nature, he is actually called BAT - MAN. But is he? Really?

Spiderman is called Spiderman because he possesses the abilities of a spider. Cyclops is called Cyclops because his eyes shoot laser beams. Superman is called Superman because he has generic superhuman abilities - he is a super man. Even Catwoman, despite having no real superpowers (at least, according to the comics and not the bizarre Halle Berry film), possesses cat-like agility and is, by trade, a cat burglar. Not to mention:

"After costuming herself so as not to be revealed, she gets a taste for burglary and begins to do it in more of a Robin Hood way than an actual thief. This is, however, how she runs into Batman. After a small confrontation, she begins to be inspired to stay in her costume and become the "Catwoman" after seeing Batman in action with others. Selina gets the idea that, if there is a "bat", why can there not be a "cat"?" - Wiki

So, her name was Batman's fault anyway.

Batman possesses no bat-like traits whatsoever. The only thing that makes him anything like a bat is his ridiculous costume. He can't fly, he doesn't have sonar and he doesn't have little batty teeth. The reason he's called Batman is because he was deathly afraid of bats, or there was a bat present when he parents were killed, or something. Bats aren't even menacing creatures. It's false advertising, and nobody ever questions it. Nobody asks, "What exactly gives you the right to be called 'Bat-man'? What exactly do you have that makes you the authority on bats?"

Robin also has no reason to be called Robin. Jus' sayin'.

Bat-bashing for your baronial brains.


Katsuo